Things Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon
"Hurry, driver, get us back to our hotel room before she sobers up!"
"Yes, it's romantic to carry me over the threshold. I'm just saying it would be *more* romantic if your pants were still on."
"Am *too* a virgin! It doesn't count when you do it standing up."
"Okay, Jason, I gave it up. Now when are you gonna introduce me to Jerry Seinfeld?"
"Move! Go pee in the sink; I gotta puke again!"
"If anyone should see any reason why these two should not be wed -- other than their parents, their agents, their immediate families, struggling musical artists who have way more talent, a public that has grown tired of these kinds of ridiculous publicity stunts and humanity-at-large -- speak now or forever hold your peace."
"Hey, why is the bride on the cake dressed like a slut?"
"How long do you think this will last?"
"Ten."
"Ten what, honey?"
"9... 8...."
"You may now kiss the bride. And when Madonna's done, the groom can have his turn."
"Jason, you had me at 'I'm a TopFive contributor.'"
"You didn't use a condom?!? Well, don't worry -- we can get *that* mistake annulled, too."
"Well, we still had more sex than Liza and David Gest and Michael and Lisa Marie combined."
"Hello, room service? I have a complaint: Someone has already eaten my Pop Tart."
"It's not pierced; it was wired shut by my record label."
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon...
"You are soooo cute. Look at you! You are absolutely adorable. You are-- I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, JASON... I'M IN THE BATHROOM!"
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"Does my butt look big in this?"
What *is* the right answer?? Is there a right answer or are we men simply doomed?
Here are some of the more amusing responses:
From tresscaresser (otherwise known as tc) "Man, yo ass so big they gotta measure you on the Richter Scale" .
frum pc:
Of course everyone knows... the correct answer is: "That dress doesn't make you look fat. The fat makes you look fat."
From mark/fflh:
The right answer would be: Who cares? You're blocking the TV! (smack!)
From trich:
A "Lady" shouldn't ask such personal questions... unless her rear end is not only blocking traffic on an 8-lane highway, but also interfering with air traffic control's radar!
From Steve:
The correct response is, "Honey, have you seen my keys? I swear they were right here. I'll go check the car while you finish dressing."
From romeo:
"Honey, you look great in anything, or nothing at all"
From ninja:
We're doomed. Say "no" and she won't believe you. Say "yes" and you're in the doghouse all night. My answer is to fake temporary deafness.
From tg:
It's absolutely fine, but not in that colour. (Then suggest a colour that is obviously not available.)
From maarv:
Try: "Your butt is the standard by which all others are measured."
From palu:
1) It's all relative, my dear. Does an elephant look big inside a circus tent?
2) Define 'big.'
3) Let me put it this way: have you ever seen the Hindenberg being maneuvered into its hangar?
4) Actually, your bum looks much larger out of that.
5) Don't worry dear. No one will notice your bum. They all be gagging at that hideous floral pattern.
Actually, you're right. You'll die a slow and horrible death no matter what your response.
From joebob :
You take her in your arms. You look in her eyes. You drink deeply from them. You place your hands at the small of her back and press gently, tenderly. You whisper into her ear, "Darling, every time I think about you I get so lost. I have no idea what fits you and what doesn't fit you and what looks good on you. All I know is that every time I put my arms around you I find it very difficult to take them away again." And go from there. Any questions?
From gary:
Yeah, okay, I've got one, smart guy: what if she's so fat, there isn't even a part of her back you could call a "small", even if you *could* reach it? Ever think of that? Huh?
From anya:
You could ask " What's that "Bum" doing in your pants in the first place?". And yes, you poor saps are doomed as there is no correct response to the question as we females only ask to start a fight or go to a ritzier place or to actually get you guys to think about the meaning of life. Also, there are other questions we females ask to befuddle you fellows, but if I told you any more I would have to kill you.
pc
